


when we were young

by acchikocchi



Category: Tenimyu RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-07
Updated: 2017-07-07
Packaged: 2018-11-29 04:56:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11433600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/acchikocchi/pseuds/acchikocchi
Summary: Parties weren't really Daisuke's scene--they never had been, even at the height of being twenty and stupid. He'd just been a lot better at pretending to himself then.





	when we were young

**Author's Note:**

> title after the adele song.

Parties weren't really Daisuke's scene--they never had been, even at the height of being twenty and stupid. He'd just been a lot better at pretending to himself then.

But it was Ryoki's birthday, and it was hard to explain skipping out to someone like Ryoki. And Ryoki was with Avex, and ran with a younger group. And Daisuke didn't want to hurt his feelings.

When he got there, though, it was a lot bigger than he'd anticipated. Ryoki's friends had rented out the whole place, and it was already turning into one of _those_ nights, the ones that went down in industry history, mystifying kouhai for years to come. It was a newish bar, edgier than Daisuke was used to--than most of the younger kids were, to judge by the occasional startled giggle or nervous face. And it was filling up: not just the Avex group, a bunch of kids from Ena and Stardust and agencies Daisuke didn't recognize. Plenty of older faces, too. It put Daisuke on edge from the beginning: never, he'd learned, a good sign.

After he found Ryoki and accepted a hug for coming, he got a drink and hung back, where he could get a good view of the room. He never knew, these days, if he was getting old or just out of the loop. He'd stopped trying to keep up on purpose, just so it wouldn't surprise him when he didn't know people, but maybe it was happening to others too by now. Or maybe not. Sometimes it really was just him.

A couple of the older guys--Asato and Aoi and Nishida the tech guy--made surprised faces and waved from across the room, and he smiled back at them and wondered for a second if he should go over--but then the moment passed and they weren't looking his direction any more. Maybe later. He got out his phone and thought about texting someone, it didn't really matter who, or faking a call from his manager, or--

"Holy shit, Daisuke," Yuuki said from behind him, sounding shocked, "you're alive!"

They wouldn't have stayed friendly if it weren't for Tomoru. Yuuki never bothered spending time on you unless he really wanted to, though, so whenever they talked Daisuke knew at least that he meant it. He was also a huge nerd, which helped. It got them fifteen minutes into the latest Tales before Yuuki wanted another beer. But he told Daisuke not to move because he was coming back, so Daisuke stood there fiddling with his three-quarters empty glass until someone misjudged their playful shove and sent someone else stumbling into the wall. The wall shook and a plastic cup flew past Daisuke's face. The kid, who he didn't recognize, threw an apology over his shoulder and went back to return the shove with interest.

Daisuke dodged preemptively and edged along the wall. It was too crowded back here, Yuuki or no Yuuki, so he ducked his head and slid past the huddle of kids playing some sort of giggly guessing game and into the thick of the crowd, avoiding flailing hands and overflowing drinks and slipping through holes in the crowd as they opened and closed and someone in front of him moved aside and he was face to face with Sho.

"Oh," Daisuke said.

"Hirose," Sho--Jinnai said.

There was a moment where he could have kept going, nodded and moved on. They could safely ignore each other, each on the way somewhere else, to someone else, and no one would think it was unusual.

"I didn't know you knew Ryoki," Daisuke said.

"Ryo-chan? We've had a show or two together. He's a good kid."

"He is," Daisuke agreed mindlessly. It felt like every pair of eyes was watching them, even though he knew no one cared that much. It always felt like that when he saw Jinnai. "You, um. You look well."

He did--faint lines around his eyes and the corners of his mouth, the kind that said he'd gotten them by living life, not because he hadn't been sleeping enough. He looked steadier, somehow, anchored.

"You too," Jinnai said--polite now, every time. "How's it going? I heard you moved."

He meant agencies. "Yeah, um," Daisuke said. "I moved, I'm moving, more into voice work."

"No kidding," Jinnai said. "Best of luck, yeah?"

"Yeah," he answered, which didn't even make sense. "Thanks." For some reason his voice was scratchy. "What about you? Any news?"

Jinnai glanced around the room, and for a second Daisuke wondered if he hadn't heard. Then he looked back, meeting Daisuke's eyes head on, the way he hadn't earlier.

"Yeah," he said. "I'm getting married."

Daisuke thought he'd heard wrong, and knew he hadn't. 

He should say something-- _congratulations_ , or, _who's the lucky lady_ \--his mouth moved--

"You're _what?_ " screeched someone--Maeyama?-- next to Daisuke's ear in a spray of beer, and Jinnai's eyes moved past him, mouth tugging up in a grin and the moment was gone.

His heart was racing. Someone else pushed forward to pound Jinnai on the back and Daisuke slipped away, pushing past strangers toward the glowing green _Exit_ sign until he was out of the room and in the empty corridor to the bathrooms and he could breathe again.

It was funny, he hadn't thought of this in so long. It used to hurt whenever it came to mind, so much so that he made himself stop thinking about it. He was good at that, like he was good at most things where he made an effort, and after a while even when something reminded him it stopped hurting so much, and after a while longer it stopped hurting at all.

And now it was over for good.

After a while, he went back to the party. It was louder and more crowded than ever, or maybe that was just his imagination. Jinnai had long since been buried beneath a crowd of indignant, drunken well-wishers. He'd always been popular. That hadn't changed.

Daisuke found Yuuki again, even though Yuuki was too far gone for anything but a clingy hug he never would have stooped to in real life, and then he made himself go greet Nishida and ask about his latest production, and listen to a bunch of technical details he didn't really understand. And then he said hello to Aoi, and then Asato, and then it had been thirty minutes and he could leave.

"Thanks for coming, Dai-chan," Ryoki said, beaming at him, when Daisuke came to say goodbye and wish him happy birthday again. He gave Daisuke a squeeze around the middle. "I love youuu."

"Me, too," said Daisuke.

When he slipped out the front door, Jinnai was there.

After his heart started beating again, he could take in what he was seeing, the dark shape of Jinnai leaning against a street lamp, smoking a cigarette and watching the street. Daisuke couldn't see his face; he didn't need to. 

Jinnai turned his head, a casual glance, and then he paused, minutely, a double take. His eyes flicked up to catch Daisuke's and then back to the street, like he was ready to let Daisuke go by without a word, offering him an escape route.

Daisuke didn't take it. He came forward and stood by lamp post, hesitant to lean, to put his weight on it. He was aware of the corner of Jinnai's eye on him. He looked out at the street, too. There wasn't much to see: an empty sidewalk, fallen leaves, dry and brittle, dusting the pavement.

It came to him in a vivid flash--a memory of waiting in an empty delivery bay, the back of some nameless theater on the road, killing time between numbers and helpless with laughter over yet another stupid joke. On top of the world and impatient to get back to it. He hadn't thought of that in a long time, either.

It gave him the nerve to turn his head, look at Jinnai's face in profile and say, "I didn't a chance to say. Congratulations."

Jinnai turned the rest of the way. The corner of his mouth curled up a little, not quite smiling--ironic, but not mean. "Thanks."

"Has it been long?"

"Just a couple weeks."

"When's the wedding?"

"Next spring." The smile turned inward. Daisuke's pulse jumped. "She likes plum blossoms. Says they're good luck, better than cherries."

Daisuke couldn't think of anything to say to that, so he made a meaningless sound, something acknowledging.

The last of Jinnai's cigarette flared red and died away. Daisuke watched as he ground it out on the concrete, picked up the butt and tucked it in his own ash collector. He wondered when Jinnai had started smoking. Years ago, probably.

There was a time when he would have tried anything to avoid being alone with Jinnai Sho. Even when they didn't speak--it was rife with trap doors, barbed wire, pitfalls and landmines. Now it was like the spikes had worn away, and all that was left was the tired, pale silence of people who no longer had much to say to each other.

Even the ache, when he thought of this, was dull.

"Well," Jinnai said, with finality. "I'd better get going."

"Yeah," Daisuke said. "Right. Good--" He had to swallow; he couldn't make himself finish that. "Good luck."

Jinnai's face was in shadow. But he met Daisuke's eyes, the corner of his mouth turned up in something like a smile.

"Goodbye," Sho said, and turned to leave.

Before Daisuke could think, he reached out and caught hold of Sho's sleeve.

Sho turned back. His face was blank.

"Sho," Daisuke said.

He hadn't said it for years. It fit right in his mouth, as if he'd never stopped.

Daisuke swallowed. "Please--please be happy." Sho didn't move. Daisuke spoke faster. "I hope you will be. That's all I--I always wanted you to be. Happy."

Sho looked like he'd been punched.

The moment hung, waiting, Sho's eyes holding his, anchoring them both in place. Sho took a step forward. Daisuke closed his eyes.

Cold air against his cheek. The feel of Sho's lips, soft.

He'd never known a first kiss could taste so much like goodbye.

He held it to himself for a moment before he opened his eyes. 

They met Sho's. He didn't speak. Neither did Sho. It was as if they both knew, instinctively, that it was better this way, cleaner. There was nothing that could change things, no apologies or explanations. It didn't matter now--maybe it never had. Maybe it had always been too late, from the moment one cold day when he'd walked into the green room to find Jinnai Sho waiting, from the moment he'd smiled, hesitant, and said _Hi, I think we're partners._

Sho's exhale was a small huff, almost like a laugh. The lines around his eyes seemed to have eased. His voice, when he spoke, was gentle.

"See you around, Daisuke."

The street lamps shaded Sho's hair gold as his footsteps echoed up the street, hanging in the air. Cold nipped through Daisuke's sweater, and he wrapped his arms around himself, hugging his elbows. Sho wouldn't turn back--he never did. But Daisuke stayed watching as he walked away, until he was far enough that the lines around his eyes smoothed out and the years fell away--suspended, for a moment, in the image of Sho he'd carried for so long, what could have been and what never was, a world of untold possibilities right there at his side--just, if he stretched out a hand, within reach.


End file.
